Special
by LxAxMxMxY
Summary: Harry is in grave danger once again and this time, has to join the Wizard Protection Program. Read and review, pretty please!
1. Wizard Protection Program

**::Note from Lams::** Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my 4th fanfic. Anyhow, this is rated PG-13 for, well, I'm not really sure yet. It won't probably have as much sexual related humor or bad language as some of my other fics, but it will probably offend more people than most of my other fics too. For whatever reason, Special Ed is a touchy subject. Anyhow, I warned you up front, so there really is not point for flaming me for offending you. Anyhow, for everyone else, have fun with this story and check out my other fics. Oh! And review pretty please! The reviews help tell me what direction I'll take the fic in next. Thanks!

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All the merry students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were eating there breakfast one chilly, February morning.  
  
"Don't eat that!" exclaimed Hermione Granger as Harry Potter was about to take a bite of some disgusting, grey-looking matter. "How many House Elves had to die so you could eat that disgusting gruel?" she continued.  
  
"Die?" said Harry Potter.  
  
"Well, you know what I meant," said Hermione. "The House Elves work under such harsh conditions, just to make you that gruel. Sometimes I think they'd be better off dead."  
  
"No, you idiot!" said Harry. "That's not what I meant. How can you eat House Elf Gruel if the House Elves aren't dead before you put them in?" Harry turned to Hermione, who was now pale as a ghost. "You mean you didn't know that House Elf Meat was in House Elf Gruel? Why, it says so right on the packaging! Take it, Ron!"  
  
Ron pulled a big jar of House Elf Gruel from underneath the table and pointed at the label. "Now with meatier House Elf chunks!" he said with a wink.  
  
Hermione stood up from the table. "YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!" she screamed before dashing out of the Great Hall.  
  
"What's up with her?" asked Ron as he took a big spoon full of gruel.  
  
"AHEM!!! ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS," called a voice over the Great Hall.  
  
"Must be Dumbledore with the announcements," said Harry.  
  
Dumbledore's voices sounded once again over the Great Hall. "ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS! I HAVE TIDDLY WINKS IN MY PANTS.... DAMN THOSE WEASLEY TWINS, SWITCHING MY CUE CARDS!!!!! UMM, ANYHOW, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HARRY POTTER IN MY OFFICE, STAT!"  
  
"Wow, wonder what that's all about?" said Ron. "Want me to come with you?"  
  
"No, I should be fine," said Harry as he stood up from the table and walked down to Dumbledore's office. "Fuzzy Lumpinks," he said and the door to Dumbly's office opened.  
  
"Oh!! Harry Potter! What brings you here?" called Dumbledore.  
  
"Umm... you asked me down here, Sir," said Harry.  
  
"Did I really?" mused Dumbledore, stroking his chin. "Oh yes! I do have something I need to tell you. As you know, Voldie's regained his strength and is looking for any means to kill you."  
  
"Thanks for reminding me, really brightens up my morning," said Harry sarcastically.  
  
"Anyhow, since he'd be looking for you at Hogwarts, we've decided to enroll you in the Wizard Protection Program," said Dumbledore, gazing seriously at Harry over his half-moon spectacles.  
  
"Thanks for the offer, Dumbles, but I have to insist that I am fine right here at Hogwarts. Voldemorts come after me for years and the most he's ever gotten on me is the very same scratch I had since I was a baby. That bumbling old fool is no match for me," said Harry.  
  
"You are a dense one, aren't you Potter?" said Professor Snape, stepping out from behind Dumbledore's desk.  
  
"Snape!" exclaimed Harry, glaring at his surly Potion's master. "What the blue blazes are you doing here?"  
  
"Actually, I am in charge of the Wizard Protection Program, Hogsmede division. I will be handling your relocation. Hmm, let's see, how far away from me can I send you? Outer Mongolia perhaps?" Snape said, curling his lip into a contemptuous sneer.  
  
"YOU'RE in charge of this branch of the Wizard Protection Program?" fumed Harry. "Well," he added nonchalantly, "I suppose you have time to do all these things when you can't get a girlfriend."  
  
"Don't test me, boy," said Snape. "Your fate lies in my hands. I could send you into hiding in a hole for 10 years. I heard the place Sadaam Hussein was hiding in is avaliable..."  
  
"SEVERUS!! HARRY!! Stop your arguing this instant before I go Mortal Kombat on both of your asses!" shouted Dumbledore. "As it so happens, Mr. Potter, Professor Snape and I already chose your destination. You will be living in Moscow to begin with. Vladamir Nostiyfik will be there to pick you up when you arrive. Your new name will be Barry Notter..."  
  
"Umm, Professor Dumbledore," Harry cut in, "don't you think you could come up with a better false name than THAT. After all, it rhymes with my real name."  
  
"SHUT UP POTTER!" shouted Dumbledore. "Ahem, moving on, Barry. You will tell everyone that you are a student from London who has come on a foreign exchange program. Oh, and naturally since you are one of the most famous and recognizable wizards, we will have to do away with all of your trademark features."  
  
"You mean, my messy black hair, green eyes underneath a pair of circular glasses, my.... scar?" said Harry questioningly.  
  
"Yes, yes. That will all have to go. That scar will be a doozy to try and cover up though. Anyhow, you will be sent off to Russia first thing in the morning. Professor Snape will drive you to the airport. Good day!"  
  
Harry then left Dumbledore's office and went to his room. Dumbledore told him that he was not to tell anyone about his leaving, not even Ron and Hermione. Harry curled up on his bed and began to sob. He would never be able to talk to his old friends again! This was awful!

* * *

The next morning Harry rose from his bed before anyone else would be awake. He tiptoed down the stairs and met Professor Snape, who was waiting for him by the front door. Harry didn't say a word and followed Snape out to the black Volvo that was sitting outside the school.  
  
"Buckle up, Potter," said Snape. "It's been a long times since I've been behind the wheel on one of these muggle contraptions." Snape put his key into the ignition and started the car. Whoever drove the car last must have forgotten to turn the stereo down because it came on as soon as Snape twisted the key. "_I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE, WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU I TOUCH MYSELF..." _played on the radio, loud enough to wake everyone up in the school.  
  
"TURN IT OFF!!!" shrieked Harry as he covered his ears.  
  
"I CAN'T!" said Snape as he was fiddling with the buttons, which only made the music louder.  
  
Though it was 3 in the morning, lights were starting to turn on from inside Hogwarts. "Hurry up, Snape!" shouted Harry, "You're waking everybody up!"  
  
After a couple more minutes of struggling, Snape relented and turned off the car, stopping the music. Both he and Harry breathed in a sigh of relief and Harry popped the CD from the CD player. He read the label on the CD then stared questioningly at Snape. Snape turned around and met his eye.  
  
"Grrl Power, Volume One?" asked Harry. "Is this your CD?"  
  
"It most certainly is not!" said Snape, his face growing flushed. "Dumbledore borrowed my car not long back and he must have left his CD in here. Give it to me so I can give it back to him."  
  
"So, it's Dumbledore's, eh?" Harry said coyly. "Then why does it have a sticker on it that says 'Property of Severus Snape?' Tell me Snapey, who IS it you're thinking about when you touch yourself?"  
  
Snape's face grew pale. He lunged over at Harry, grabbed the CD and threw it out the window. Harry gaped in shock at Snape's reaction. And they both sat there for about 5 minutes, in awkward and embarrassed silence. Finally, Snape put the key back in the ignition and drove off towards the airport, not speaking a word.  
  
After a very long, very silent car ride, they came to the airport. The sky was grey and small drops of rain came down from the sky. Snape did not say a word. He thrust the ticked into Harry's hand, kicked him out the door, and sped off.  
  
"Wait!!" shouted Harry, running after the car. Snape was almost to the exit when he stopped the car and rolled down the window. "Professor Snape, one last thing I need to ask before I go. Since I'll never see you again..."  
  
Professor Snape looked at him both confused and expectantly, "Spit it out then, Potter," he said.  
  
"Well, the thing is... you drove off before I could get my luggage out of the car. So could you please pop the trunk?"  
  
Snape obliged and Harry grabbed his things. They both seemed equally pleased about being rid of one another forever. After a long period of waiting, Harry boarded his plane to Moscow. He stared out the window. What would his new life be like? What about Ron and Hermione? If they hadn't woken up to "I Touch Myself," they would probably be waking up just now, and realizing he was gone. After it hurt to much to think about anymore, Harry leaned back on his chair and fell asleep.

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**::Coming Up Next Chapter::** Harry goes to Moscow, and Australia, and the US.

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PRETTY PLEASE REVIEW!! 


	2. Mile High Club

**::Note from Lams::** Okay, this isn't my best chapter ever. Like I've said, I'm incredibly rusty when it comes to writing. I've got to give a big thanks to all my reviewers, but especially She-who-must-not-be-named666, Leo-07-88, and KeithUrbanFan. These peeps review me EVERY time and I am eternally grateful. I'd offer to write you into one of my fics for your devotion, but given how insane my fics are, I'm not sure you'd want that. Oh, and Leo-07-88, I like your idea, would you mind if I used it in the next chapter? This chapter is rather insulting in parts to Minnesota, just so you know, but that's where I'm from so it's okay if I mock it. Hehe! Anyhow, here it is, Chapter 2.

**::Edit::** I tried to post this sucker yesterday, and it came up and everything, but you couldn't get to the second chapter, for whatever reason. So here it goes again. Hope the re-posting does the trick.

* * *

Harry was not asleep for 10 minutes when he woke up to the sounds of the person in the seat next to him fidgeting around. He looked over at the man, who was nervously biting his nails. "Excuse me, is that you Mr. Malfoy?" he asked.  
  
Lucius Malfoy turned around and looked at Harry. "Yes, yes it is me. And who may I ask are you?"  
  
"Well, can you keep a secret?" asked Harry. "It's me, Harry Potter. Dumbledore found out Voldemort's kind of lost it and is using all his power to go after me. So, to keep me safe, he put me in the Wizard Protection Program. I had to dye my hair and everything. I decided to go bleached blond, like that sexy Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Umm, you do realize you're talking about my son?" said Lucius.  
  
"Oh, oops! Kind of forgot about that one. Oh, and revealing myself to a Death Eater probably wasn't too bright of me either," said Harry.  
  
"No, no, probably not," said Lucius. Suddenly, the plane jerked. "AHHHH!! We're all going to DIE!!" he shrieked, grabbing onto Harry. He turned to the overweight woman on his other side, who was eating a Slim Fast bar. "No sense in starting a diet now, porky. Didn't you hear me? We're about to die!" The woman slapped him with her purse, which caused Lucius to start crying like a baby. "Waaaaaaa! Harry, did you see what just happened?" he cried. A stewardess ran over to see what all the commotion was about.  
  
"Are you okay, sir?" she said to Lucius. "Can I get you a drink to calm your nerves?"  
  
"Drinks?" said Lucius. "Well, maybe just one..."  
  
_Five Minutes Later._  
"Hey Harry! I have to tell you a secret," said Lucius, jabbing him in the ribs and leaning over to whisper in his ear.  
  
"Ugh! But I don't want to Lucius. You're just going to make a big farting noise in my ear then laugh," said Harry.  
  
"Have I already done that?" said Lucius.  
  
"Like 10 times," said Harry.  
  
"Poopy! Well, what can I do for fun then?" Lucius pouted. After about 5 seconds, he turned to Harry again, "Oh! I've got it! Harry, I have a secret, let me whisper it to you!"  
  
"Wait a minute... I just said... ah! Never mind. What's your secret, Lucius?" said Harry disgustedly.  
  
Lucius leaned over by Harry's ear and made a loud farting noise. "Pssssssfffffftttt!" Lucius cracked up laughing. "Hahahahahaha!!!!" he squealed, then poked the portly woman next to him, "Hey, chubsy, want to switch me seats? I think this boy just crapped his pants!"  
  
The plump woman next to him slapped him with her purse again. "Hey, that smarts!" said Lucius. "What do you have in there anyway?"  
  
The lady frowned at Lucius and pulled out a big brick. "This here's my slappin' brick!" she said. "Yeeee--haw!"  
  
"Umm, that's great," said Harry. Suddenly, the plane lurched again. "AAAAHHHH we're going to DIE!!!" wailed Lucius. He glanced over at the weight capacity for the plane, then glanced at the chubby woman, then glanced at the weight capacity sign again. "We really ARE going to die!" he wailed. "Oh cruel fate! Why must I die a virgin?"  
  
"You're a virgin, Lucius?" said Harry. "Aren't you married?"  
  
"Narcissa? She's like a sister to me. Or maybe she is my sister. I really don't remember, but all I know is I haven't gotten any." squealed Lucius. He looked over hungrily at the pudgy woman next to him. "Hey sweet cheeks, how are YOU doing? Wanna join the mile high club?" The woman pulled out her slapping brick and chucked it at Lucius. "Okay, I take that as a no," said Lucius apologetically.  
  
"But wait a minute, Lucius. How do you explain Draco if you haven't ever gotten any?" said Harry.  
  
"Oh, that's easy! The stork brought him. Or did we find him in the cabbage patch? It was one of the two, but believe me, it had nothing to do with getting it on. That's why I was flying out to Russia. I hear you can get hookers really cheap there," said Lucius.  
  
"Actually, with the cost of the plane ticket and the hotel, you could get your choice of any hooker in Hogsmede," said Harry. "Not that I know from personal experience or anything..." Lucius gave Harry a serious look and Harry turned beet red. "Anyhow, Lucius, why don't you just apparate to Russia? that way you wouldn't be losing any money."  
  
"Well, I got my apparating license taken away last Wednesday. I kind of apparated myself into the girl's shower room at Hogwarts. I'm on the sex offender list now too," said Lucius, sheepishly.  
  
"Attention, this is your captain speaking. We're going to be landing in Moscow in 5 minutes."  
  
The plane descended slowly and within a few minutes, they were safely on the ground. "See you around, Harry!" called Lucius. Harry waved at him as Lucius walked off the plane. Harry pulled his onboard luggage out of the overhead compartment then walked out of the plane. He was walking down the ramp when all of a sudden, a loud crack sounded and Severus Snape stood in front of him. "POTTER!" he bellowed.  
  
"Hey Sevvy!" said Harry. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"What am I doing here? I'm saving you from the dozen or so Death Eaters that are waiting around the corner to kill you. I can't believe you revealed yourself to Lucius Malfoy. Not only is he a Death Eater, but he can't keep his mouth shut either!" said Severus. His eyes glazed over, recalling some detail from the past.  
  
_FLASHBACK_  
It was the 80's and Snape was a teenager shopping in the mall with his mother. He was wearing almost all black and had his straggly black hair in his face covering up much of his eyes, which were heavily coated with black eyeliner. They were standing in the lingerie section of JC Penny's.  
  
"Severus, can you hold on to these things for me while I go to the bathroom?" she asked, handing him an array of bras and the like. Before Snape had any time to object, she left, leaving him holding all her unmentionables.  
  
Meanwhile, Lucius Malfoy walked into the section in order to squeeze the water bras when he noticed Severus Snape in an even more embarrassing situation than he was in. Snape turned around and saw Lucius gaping at him. "This isn't what it looks like!" he shouted before Lucius dashed off.  
_END FLASHBACK  
_  
"He told everyone. I never lived that reputation down. Every time Victoria's Secret has a sale, Lucius calls brings it up again. The weird part is he seems really curious about what my cup size is," said Severus.  
  
"Uhhh, right," said Harry.  
  
"In any event, Mr. Potter, you have jeopardized this entire operation and I will need to relocate you," said Snape, sounding much more like himself.  
  
"Well, if you had given me an easier name to remember, that might have helped," said Harry angrily.  
  
"Your name was Barry Notter, it rhymes with your real name! Even Mr. Longbottom could have remembered that!" said Snape. "Now grab on to me and I'll apparate us out of here."  
  
With a loud crack, Harry and Snape disappeared from the airport and landed into a large snow bank. Harry looked around and saw people passing down the street, speaking with horrible accents. He covered his ears. "Oh! My poor ears! These people are butchering the proper English language! And I'm freezing!" he said, then clutched onto Severus's arm. "Are we in... hell?"  
  
Severus pushed Harry off of him. "We are not in hell, Mr. Potter. But close enough, Minnesota."  
  
"Haha, you mean Minne-SNOW-da!" laughed Harry. Suddenly, a large group turned around and looked at Harry.  
  
"Uff da! He's patronizing out state!" said one. "Let's get him!"  
  
Snape pulled Harry by the arm and started running from the unruly mob. They dashed around the streets of Minneapolis for a solid 2 minutes until they lost the mob.  
  
"That was the shortest chase I've ever been in," said Harry.  
  
"What do you expect? We're in the United States now," said Snape. "They're all out of shape and overweight."  
  
"That's for sure. And what's with them getting so angry about a harmless joke? Whatever happened to 'Minnesota Nice?'" said Harry.  
  
"'Minnesota Nice?' There's no such thing, it's just a lie they tell to attract tourism," said Snape. "Look around you, it's crappy out 90% of the time around here. You'd have to lie to get anyone to come here."  
  
"Then why did you take us here, Snape?" said Harry.  
  
"Though we are not in a school setting, you will still address me as 'sir,' do you understand?" said Snape. "If you had any sense of logic, you would realize that the Dark Lord's goons are after us as we speak. I took us to the least desirable place on earth simply because it would be the last place they'd look. But we need a place to stay the evening, let's go inside," Snape said, motioning to a door.  
  
The pair walked into the lobby of the hotel and walked up the desk. "Excuse me, I am looking for a room for the evening."  
  
The girl at the counter looked up. "Another gay couple! I thought we were done checking you guys in an hour or so ago," she said, surveying Harry and Snape. "Well, I always said age ain't nothing but a number, but you might want to watch that you don't get arrested for statutory rape."  
  
"We are NOT a gay couple," said Snape hotly. "I would like a room with two very separate double beds."  
  
"Sorry, about the misunderstanding, there's a big convention in town for gay couples," said the girl. "In fact, since we usually run out of single beds this time of year, we've converted all our double bed rooms into single bed to cater to our gay couples. We only have vacancies in rooms with one bed." "This is insanity!" said Snape.  
  
"This is Minnesota," said the girl. "Take the room or don't, it's up to you. But I must tell you that we are the only hotel in town with any vacancies."  
  
Snape bit his lip and looked disgustedly at Harry. "Fine! We'll take the bloody room!"

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**::Coming Up Next Chapter::** Harry and Snape pose as a gay couple. This should be fun, mwah ha ha! Not slash -- I couldn't have any HP/SS pairings in any of my fics.


	3. Hogwarts Homo

**::Note from Lams::** Wha-cha! I've finally finished my next chapter, which I'm sure you've all been dying to read. Not really? Meh, I figured as much. Actually, I just started school and I've been insanely busy. In fact, I really should be doing my History right now, but that can wait. Anyhow, I'll write you all in one by one. Not all at the same time. You probably won't have huge roles though, just because I tend to make everyone insane and that wouldn't be very nice of me to make you guys insane, now would it? This was sposed to be a NICE thing. Anyhow, if you want to be written in, just give me the permission to do so in a review. This one probably won't have anyone, unless you wanted to be at the gay convention. Anyhow, here we go!

* * *

The girl at the desk handed a room key to Snape and smiled. "Have a nice evening, boys," she said.

"Hey, I'm not a little boy!" pouted Harry. He tried his best to give the girl a seductive look. "If you come up to my room, I'll show you just how manly I can be, if you catch my drift." He looked over at Severus. "Hey Snapey, what's our room number?"

"POTTER!" shouted Snape. "This is not the time to be picking up random hotel workers. Besides, I am quite more masculine than you could ever be. If someone were to get any tonight, it ought to be me. You said it yourself, I really don't ever get any."

Harry laughed out loud at Snape's comment. "Who would want to sleep with you? You're a greasy git, no offence. I'm a dashing, young hero."

Snape looked slightly offended. "I'll have you know, I have quite the fan base, Mr. Potter. Many people find me not only intriguing, but mysterious and intelligent, which may I just say, you are severely lacking at."

"I is too smart!' demanded Harry. "And mysterious too. Just look at this scar!"

"Mystery?" scoffed Snape. "Why, we knew your entire back story by the first book!"

Harry glared at Snape, then turned to the girl at the counter. "Well, who do YOU think is hotter?"

The girl looked up. "Umm... I don't know, I mean, err... LOCKHART!"

"Hey, Lockhart wasn't one of the answers!" said Harry.

Snape bopped Harry on the head. "No, you buffoon, look behind you."

Harry whirled around and saw none other than Gilderoy Lockhart entering the building with his patented dazzling smile. A man he could not see very well was carrying his bags.

The girl leaned over to Harry and Snape. "That's Gilderoy Lockhart. He and his partner come to the convention every year. He's kind of a whack job, thinks he's famous or something. He always asks if I want his autograph."

Both Harry and Snape's jaws dropped. Lockhart was gay? That was far too weird, but it made sense. He was far too well-groomed. No straight man would have the addiction to Crest whitestrips that Lockhart did.

Lockhart looked over at Snape and Harry in equal amazement. "Harry? Severus?" he said. "Well, I never knew! I say, it was a nice cover you had going for your relationship. The whole mortal enemy thing works very well for you. However, if you read my copy of 'Hogwarts Homo' you would have found much better ways to disguise your relationship."

Harry and Snape dared not look at one another, both were far to disgusted to say a word.

"Is this your first year at the convention?" said Lockhart. "Well, in that case, let me and Richard show you around. You're not Muggle-phobes, are you?"

Harry shook his head no. "My mother was as Muggle, remember?"

"Oh yes, of course I did, I was just making sure you did," said Lockhart. "Yoo hoo! Richard, come here and meet some gays I know from a job I had once."

"Heeey!!" said a man decked out in short shorts and a glittery tank top. "Are you ready to sweat?"

"Good Lord!" said Snape. "I'm no longer the muggle-born hater I was, but should I spend one more minute beside Richard Simmons and I may go back to the Death Eaters."

"Ah! So Severus, you've heard of him," said Lockhart. "Not as famous and good looking as I of course, but finding a specimen of my caliber would be quite impossible, might I say."

"Oooh!" said Richard. "We're missing the party! Let's go, let's go!!!" he said, jumping up and down, squealing with glee. He grabbed Harry by the arm, who in turn, grabbed Snape and they dashed over to the convention hall where no less than 10,000 gay couples were mingling.

"Erm, Snape, did we ever bother to tell them we weren't gay," said Harry.

Suddenly the room got quiet. "Did somebody say they weren't gay?" called a voice. "Because if the persecuting straights are here, I'll kick their asses in!" A loud hooting ensued after that speech.

"Err... umm... I said, go gay pride!" said Harry. Another applause followed.

"Oooh! I just love your spirit!" said Richard, pinching Harry's cheek. "You're so yummy I just want to eat you right up!" Harry frowned at this.

At that moment Gilderoy, who was getting some punch, rejoined the group. "The gay sack race is coming up! Let's go."

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Gilderoy," said Snape.

"Aww, come on! Have some pride, Snape!" said Lockhart and before Snape could object, Lockhart and Richard Simmons dragged him off to the corner of the convention hall and handed him a sack.

"How is this a 'gay' sack race?" asked Harry. "Isn't a sack race a sack race?"

"Well, for one thing, the bags are Versace and hot pink," observed Snape. "Err... not that I know my designers or anything."

"That's only the beginning, Severus," said Lockhart. "The catch to this game is the couple must hop in the sack together."

"Good Lord! Why do I get the feeling this is some horrible slash innuendo?" said Harry.

"Because it is," snapped Lockhart very uncharacteristically. "It's supposed to be funny, now hop in the damned sack before I tie you up in it and throw you off a bridge."

Snape and Harry got into the sack. "Shouldn't you be in front, Mr. Potter?" said Snape. "You are smaller."

"Oooh! Mr. Potter! That's so hot, calling each other by formalities," squealed Richard.

Snape turned to Richard. "Tell me, Richard, has Lockhart ever explained the phrase 'Avada Kedavra' to you?"

Richard hopped up and down. "Ooooh! Isn't that the wizard incantation to put rhinestones on one's clothing?" Snape shook his head.

"It's the killing one, isn't it?" said Richard. Snape nodded. "I'll shut up now," said Richard.

Harry looked uncomfortable between Snape and Richard, but scooted over to the front of the sack, positioning himself so he was ready. And the race started.

Snape hopped down the track like a madman. "Oww! You're stepping on me!" said Harry, elbowing Snape in the stomach.

Snape keeled over slightly from the jab and kicked Harry in the shin. "You must... curb your violent tendencies, Mr. Potter," he said.

Harry's face turned red. "Okay, you've asked for it!" he said. He turned around, grabbed Snape's shoulders, and pushed him to the ground, landing on top of him. "I'm going to beat the snot out of you!" he shouted, raising his hand up into the air to deliver a blow.

"Oh no you don't!" said Snape, grabbing Harry's arm. He grabbed Harry's arm and flipped them over so he had the advantage point, being on top of Harry. "I have wanted to do this for a long time, Mr. Potter," he said, raising his own fist in the air. Just then, Harry grabbed Snape's throat and started choking him. Snape grabbed onto Harry's throat and did the same. The two rolled all over the floor, trying to choke one another.

Meanwhile, Lockhart and Richard were watching from the sidelines. They couldn't see the fighting very well, so to them, it looked just like Harry and Snape were rolling around together on the floor in a sack, which I'm sure you can figure out their connotations. "What in the world are they doing?" said Richard.

"Well, if they were a man and a woman, I'd say they were making babies, but since they're not, I'd say they're just having a jolly good time," said Lockhart.

A couple other sideline people noticed what was going on too. "Ewww!' shouted one. "That is disgusting!" called another. Suddenly, Elton John and the rest of the Gay Mafia stepped out. (A lovely Will and Grace reference!) Two of the more burly mobsters walked out to where Harry and Snape were, picked up the sack with them still in it, and tossed them outside.

"And stay out!" called one.

Snape and Harry loosened their respective choke holds on the other, just realizing they had been kicked out of the Gay convention. "Gilderoy will never let me hear the end of this," said Snape. "It's bad enough he thinks I'm involved with... you. I can hardly bear to think what he will include in his Christmas card next year. I shudder at the thought. Anyhow, what do you want to do?"

"We could go see a play, how about Cats?" said Harry.

"Or we could do something less gay like trying to get back into the gay convention," said Snape sarcastically.

"Well, there's always the Mall of America in Bloomington," said Harry. "I know how well you like Versace."

Snape blushed slightly. "I happen to like a quality suit now and then, thank you very much. I'm actually not much of a shopper."

"Well," said Harry, "Knott's Camp Snoopy is inside the mall."

"Wait, you're telling me there's an AMUSEMENT PARK inside a MALL?" said Snape excitedly. "Finally! A way to make the mall suck less." Apparently unbeknownst to anyone, Snape was a big amusement park connoisseur.

"Well, let's go then!" said Harry.

_Some cheesy scene changer here with equally cheesy background music._

"Wheeeeeeeee!" shouted Snape as he bounced around. The scene zooms out and you can see Snape is jumping up and down in a giant inflatable Snoopy and receiving numerous dirty looks from the parents around him.

_Back at the end of the day._

Snape laid on one side of the bed and Harry on the other. Harry mumbled quietly in his sleep and pulled the covers closer to him.

Snape sat bolt upright in bed and yanked the covers back a good one. He settled back down into bed and was nearly asleep when Harry yanked the covers off him again.

"Ugh!" sighed Snape as he got up, went to the closet and took a blanket from the top. He went back to bed and covered himself with it, hoping to get some sleep. And he was nearly there, until Harry's arm flew across the bed and smacked him in the face. Snape tried to move his hand, but Harry grabbed on around him and started cuddling him in his sleep.

"Oh Cho! You want to take me back!" said Harry in his sleep. "Well, sure, okay. And what, you want to make out with me?" Harry unconsciously moved himself closer towards Snape.

"This is getting too weird," said Snape, who pushed Harry off the bed.

Harry landed with a thud and woke up. He rubbed the back of his head and looked angrily at Snape. "Hey, what was that all about?"

Snape looked angrily at Harry. "The next time you have diluted fantasies about Miss Chang, please do not act them out on me."

The two did not say a word to each other. They just glared for awhile then got back into bed. Finally, Snape fell asleep. Harry, however, couldn't. Snape snored like a freight train.

"I've got to do something about this!" said Harry. He grabbed up a pillow and shoved it in Snape's face. After about 5 seconds, Snape started struggling.

"Good Lord!" he shouted. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"No, sorry, it was the snoring," said Harry.

"I do NOT snore!" said Snape.

Harry looked at him angrily. "I beg to differ."

"Let's just go to bed," Snape said shortly.

"But neither of us can sleep," said Harry. "Hey, I've got an idea. Muggles use something called NyQuil sometimes, it puts them right to sleep. I've got some with me. Want a shot?" asked Harry.

"Why not?" said Snape. He took up the gross looking liquid and downed it.

"Cheers," said Harry as he drank his.

_5 minutes later_

Snape and Harry were sleeping like babies! (Dumb way to end the chapter, I know!)


End file.
